This I Believe

"You are all slaves to God, You are here to serve him" I’ve head this sentence alot as a child, at home and at school. I’ve heard it so much that it began to haunt my mind. I went on obssessing and trying to find out "why exactly did god create me?"




I grew up dissatisfied with life; I felt that it was all petty and overrated. All i could see around me was war and poverty and negilecence. I hated the human kind and felt ashamed of my humanity. Around me i saw people betraying their closest friends, destroying their countries, and acting selfish in everyway. where ever i looked i felt my heart breaking.




I was hopeless, i decided that i did not want to be a part of this cruel world anymore. i wanted to end my life. tried several times, and was called an infidel. I was not infidel; i did believe, but in my head i felt that God was to blame for everything, and that he was to blame for the pain that i was feeling. I never wanted to live, but i had no choice. i never asked to exist but there i was, unable to die, and unable to feel anything but pain.




I hated myself, i hated my kind, I hated God and I hated my partents for bringging me to this unbearable world, all because i thought that i had the right to choose whether i am to exist or not.




I grew up a rebel without a cause, with an appetite for self destruction. I lived like the dead for a while. till one day i realized that i am the selfish one.




I wanted to leave this world never acknowledging the consequences that i would leave behind me, i knew that people would be sad, but i thought they would move on. Till one dayI met someone who shared my same views, and listened to me. I found myself scared that he would decide to leave the world, and then i would be alone again. I did not know him well, but he somehow touched my heart. All the sudden the idea of death hit me: If he dies i would never feel that warmth in my heart again. For a while i forgot about my sorrow just trying to remedy his emotional wounds, and all the sudden i was alive again. The questions no longer mattered, the reason why i existed no longer concerned me.




I believe in searching for the thing that keeps you warm on the inside.